Now usually I don't do this, but perhaps it's time to tell you a little bit about my personal life. So let me take a minute to tell you about a very special someone in my life, my girlfriend. She is the most important person in my life, which i hold in complete respect and regards too. My life has been impacted mostly by her and the adventures in which we have traveled on the road of life together.
Being in a relationship is a two side adventure that both you and a special someone must cooperate and explore the world in a harmony together. For me I have always been in some form of relationship with some one, rather it is platonic or romantic, of the romantic relations has always been preferred but the platonic ones are interesting at times. Currently the one romantic relationship I am in has me floating on clouds, skipping thru the heavens enjoying the now and not worrying about what will happen next. Which for me is a total opposite of what I was used to, I would go day in and day out planning everything, trying to figure out how to better my situation or find ways out of it. But my current relationship with my girlfriend is unlike any I have ever done before. We have a past, twice before we dated, which both times meet with unexpected events with her cheating on me with my ex-best friend. I am hoping the third time is going to be the charm. Because if it isn’t then I am screwed. I say this because I don’t want to love or be in a relationship with anyone else, it would hurt too much to see this end.
I am deeply in love with her; she is my world along with her two kids. Yes she has kids, but that doesn’t bother me at all and actually I am pretty excited about it, yes I was scared at first since I didn’t know what to make of the situation but I dove in and gave it a shot with the intent of making the best of it and I did. I believe it has worked out really well and now I have two more people in my live that I care and love dearly. And you know I have not once thought about the kids being an issue…
Back to her though, I have experienced many things I never have thought of all because of her. When we first start dating again jealousy hit me pretty hard, but can you blame me, I had been hurt twice by this women before and her escapades with my ex-friend. So naturally I put my guard up towards all of my friends that she is friends with. In my head I was unsure what to think, here is the perfect women, she is hot, smart, exciting and has a lot to offer. Always keeping me my toes rather its by making wonder what I am, what I am doing, what should I be doing. Does she really love me? In the beginning (the third time) we would sit around and talk and discus our feeling about each other and about life. It was exciting to know what she thought of everything and how it related to my own ideas and opinions. Over time the random talks about things have declined but that is expect since you spend so much time with someone you don’t want to repeat yourself on subjects that you already have conversed over. There is nothing wrong with that thought, just keeps me wondering if what she thought then is the same today? And what does she think now?
For me this relationship, or at least my side of the relationship has been the best I have ever had, having, and will have ever. My ideas of a relationship are a bit different from hers, since recently I have learned a few things that make me wonder if she believes me when I tell here the truth about how I feel about her. It is was interesting the other day when she told me that apparently she believes I was treating her as if I needed her and she doesn’t need that, when in actuality I was just doing what I thought she wanted from the start, from those early days when we would sit around talking about what we wanted. It’s no secrete I care about this women more than just about everything, with exception to my family, which some day I hope she is a part of. I have a “want” to do what ever she wishes, not because I think that is what I need to do, but that is what I want to do. I hope she feels the same way. For me nothing feels better than being able to do something for someone you love and care about. It’s an instant high of which I cannot explain. I just wish I could do more.
We have our problems, as I believe a lot of people do. I catch myself pondering what I can do to make my relationship better, and ways to possible portray how much I care and love her. Recently events have been kind of weird, when I say weird I am kind of referring to Karma I guess. Before I had a relationship with another, and during that phase of my life I was unsure if it was right, and basically fell out of romantic love with her. My attitude and actions became bland and careless towards her for which I felt bad, and began to somewhat pity myself for choosing that path. And now I see traces of the way I acted towards my past partner happening to me. Which worries me somewhat, the absence of words and loving moments is becoming a little more apparent. Perhaps I only notice these things because I once did them myself, and I am concentrating on them so that I see the signs of me doing them again, which I am not in any way, but in turn seeing them happen to me. I love this woman, and I don’t want this to end. But in my worries, perhaps I am causing it to end. I don’t really know at this point in time. But I have acknowledged the issue and continue to investigate myself to discover is there is something really wrong with me. Do I need reassurance that this is not a problem; No, but it would be comforting to know that things are ok this way or perhaps this just a phase of some sorts.
I am confronted with myself wondering if she still loves me at times, or perhaps this is all just an act? I wonder if how she is in our relationship is how she was in her past ones as well? And if so how long before she realizes this is not what she wants and moves on? Since for me this relationship is like no other, if that is possible, I am actually happy and having fun. These are all questions that I hope I never find the answers to, and if by chance I do then I hope they are the right answers, the ones that will reaffirm that we are meant to be and that she is finally happy in her life. I know for once in my life I am truly happy, and I hope to god (even thought I really don’t believe in a all knowing being other than myself) that she is. At this point you can question how do you prove to some one that you love them that much? What actions and words must be presented to prove that you are telling the truth and only the truth? I know in my heart how I feel, but how do I express it to her? How does she express it to me? For these questions I don’t have an answer for at this time, but I am searching for the answer. The closes relative answer I have come up with is “trust”. Do trust her? Yes! My trust grows a bit more everyday I travel with her. I know in my heart and in my head that I love her deeply, and that no matter what she says or does, I will still love her.
There have been many happy and fun times that I can recall in our relationship over the last year. Many times I can actually say I am happy, I don’t want to be anywhere else but here, in her arms or company. Those moments when everything is so perfect and you want nothing more than freeze time to stay that blissful. I see many more of those times to come in my life with her, and can only hope that it happens. Nothing is planned, everyday is unwritten, but it is wanted and the excitement grows with the thought of the unknown. I know she is the one, and I hope that new day is an adventure with her by my side.
To You
by Walt Whitman
Whoever you are, I fear you are walking the walks of dreams,
I fear these supposed realities are to melt from under your feet and hands,
Even now your features, joys, speech, house, trade, manners,
troubles, follies, costume, crimes, dissipate away from you,
Your true soul and body appear before me.
They stand forth out of affairs, out of commerce, shops, work,
farms, clothes, the house, buying, selling, eating, drinking,
suffering, dying.
Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.
O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb'd nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.
I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.
Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color'd light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color'd light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.
O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber'd upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)
The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom'd routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform'd attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.
There is no endowment in man or woman that is not tallied in you,
There is no virtue, no beauty in man or woman, but as good is in you,
No pluck, no endurance in others, but as good is in you,
No pleasure waiting for others, but an equal pleasure waits for you.
As for me, I give nothing to any one except I give the like carefully
to you,
I sing the songs of the glory of none, not God, sooner than I sing
the songs of the glory of you.
Whoever you are! claim your own at any hazard!
These shows of the East and West are tame compared to you,
These immense meadows, these interminable rivers, you are immense
and interminable as they,
These furies, elements, storms, motions of Nature, throes of apparent
dissolution, you are he or she who is master or mistress over them,
Master or mistress in your own right over Nature, elements, pain,
passion, dissolution.
The hopples fall from your ankles, you find an unfailing sufficiency,
Old or young, male or female, rude, low, rejected by the rest,
whatever you are promulges itself,
Through birth, life, death, burial, the means are provided, nothing
is scanted,
Through angers, losses, ambition, ignorance, ennui, what you are
picks its way.
I love you Kellee Sue!
